I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
