every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
