i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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