he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
