All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
