Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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