I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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