Capitaan dildo arrescate!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
