Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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