Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
