Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
