I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
