so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
