batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
