i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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