FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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