Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
