after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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