Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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