took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
