I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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