my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
