After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
