He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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