he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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