If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
