i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
