My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
