I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
