We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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