I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
