PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
