He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
