I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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