Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
