My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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