the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You're like the curious george of whores
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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