do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
They have beer where we have blood.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
