Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
