I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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