he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
