Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
