While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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