so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
