you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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