i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
