Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Drake has all the answers
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
