I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm like, not good at living.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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