i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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