Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
