dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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