I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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